Well…. I don’t really know what to expect our of my love life. It seems as though I could only love but not be love.
I got to admit that I have been liking a guy since the day I step into uni and knew him. I don’t think I could differentiate my feeling between loving a guy and liking a guy not until I met him. I liked some guy in my secondary school once which I thought was love (as in 暗恋) but i suppose he is just an eye candy after all. He was forgotten and archived into memory the moment we graduated.
What surprises me was that I could continually like someone for 2 year and still on going. Like some typical channel 8 drama, I like him, but his eyes has only one woman. He loves her so much that he is able to forgive what wrong she has done. What hurts the most was when I liked him and he defended for the party who was in the wrong. Back then when he approached me about that issue, I almost wanted to cry because for some reason, it hurts a lot. To see the guy you love coming to reason with you about his girlfriend who did something wrong to you. I always thought he was just an eye candy until that incident happened. An eye candy will not hurt you this much, but the guy you love will.
Since then, I erected a barrier around him. I don’t want to quarrel with him in an event of him being blinded by love to even differentiate what’s right or wrong. I look from afar and secretly hope those two breaks up. Just an evil thought though. He is too forgiving to initiate a breakup and the girl is so lucky that sometimes I think she doesn’t even cherish him enough. As a drifted away from them, sometimes I still do wonder if he has a positive impression of me. Who knows?
Sometimes I really wonder how guys look at me. I wondered many times through my life why guys send girls back home but not me? Ain’t I a girl? Why guys care for girls as a form of gentlemeness but not me? Do they see me as their brother? I don’t form unique bonds with guys, so they won’t see me as their brother. So, if I am neither a brother or a girl to them, what on earth am I in their eyes?
I have no idea how long more I will like that guy but I know one thing. We will never be together. It will be total awkwardness. I am quiet. I need guy who knows how to fill in the awkward spaces. I want a guy who could bring me the warmth and happiness and desire so much for. I want a guy who has a unique sense of humour that I can understand. I want a guy who cares for me and others around him. I want a guy who knows what right and wrong and not sugar coat and sweet talk his way through. Basically, I want a guy like Onew. He is too perfect to be alive. Which ever guy that comes to me with at least half of what Onew has, I think I might accept him.
I don’t understand why can I love Onew (in a idolixing way) so much that it hurts sometime. Like I said before, he is too precious. So precious that I want him to be mine. He is the guy that the more I see, I more reasons I find in liking him. This is no longer an obession. It’s much more, it has become something I look for in guys.
That’s why I say… I don’t know what to expect out of a love relationship. Because I forsee myself to be FOREVER ALONE.
Its very uncharacteristic of me to write a post like this and so this will be the first and the last time.
