Updating….

Well… I know I said something like I will post soon after my previous post, but I kind of lost touch with blogging when I got friendly with twitter. *guilty*. Anyways, I am back! I expect myself to post more often though and I won’t expel the probability of making this blog a private one when I get too emotional for people to read my emo postings.

YEAH. I am pretty down these days. Maybe cause I lost my reason to be happy, to lead a happy life. I haven’t seen a true success in my life, I have never developed my leadership through these years even though I held supposedly “leadership” positions. That’s what saddens me the most, being in power yet powerless.

Being in nuSTUDIOS EXCO was a choice I made to be more committed and gain experiences in running events. Our recent welcome tea was a TOTAL FAILURE and I can’t help but blame myself for it. I was so unprepared for the welcome tea, everything was done last min and in total chaos. At that moment, I felt really useless and failed only to have recruited a few members, much less than last year. There were so many if onlys running through my mind then… and now, I felt looked down on even though I know none of my committee members are feeling this way. Somehow, its always the problem with me rather than with others. I am the one who is taking away my own happiness.

Being in JSYEC was a choice I made because I wanted to volunteer and contribute to the community and at the same time, benefit from such a big organization in terms of networking, experience with organising big events and collaborating with people from all walks of life. I admitted that I was sort of conned into YEC, but I stayed and felt the responsibility to commit to the welfare of the youths around us. However, being with YEC for almost 1.5 term and I am still floating around, not knowing anyone, not socialising and stuff. Stargazing came down to me and I gladly took it up and yet I failed in even liaising. And again, there were so many if onlys. I had ideas, but I never dared to propose. I had opinions, but I never dared to voice out. All I did was wait for people to approach me for collaborations and co-organizing and when too many came, I find it hard to say no even though I have no interest in the event itself. I can’t feel what YEC members think of me. But I think they don’t think very highly of me. I intended to leave after this term cause I lost the reason to stay. I can’t contribute to bring the committee forward, I can no longer find my passion in community service when I have so many of my own bubbles to burst, so what’s the point of staying when there are others who can do better than you?

YET, this man came today and ignite a little of my fire back again. Youth Mentor. An initiative by Desmond to reach out to youths. It sounds really helpful and I could see where he is going. Then again, I didn’t dare to approach him after he pitched his proposal, everyone wasn’t touched by him and to me, he is a scary man. I am afraid that if my fire on this initiative extinguish, I can’t climb out of his devil clutches just like how I fell into the reading interest group thing. There was passion initially when he proposed to huimin and I his view in kukup, then as time goes by, I find it hard to ignite the fire again. If you believe in horoscopes, I am a Sagittarius, which means, I never stay to one thing for a very long time and I never like to be deeply involved.

Yes. I am afraid of commitments.

School is mundane as usual and I am still sticking to my bubble self-centred view of ‘I don’t need friends, I only need _______’ for school, is I only need company. So, it’s still the touch an go, hi-bye scenario everyday. Nothing much to talk about. Just an internship that change my view about my course. I thought I chose the right way into PFM, apparently, I was too naive. I thought I had a clear goal when I graduate from PFM, I want to be a PM. I want to manage large scale projects like IRs, Sentosa and some prestigious building. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but starting as a site supervisor is very low paid for a hons holder. I hated QS work and after my internship, I managed to hate it even more (so why am I taking measurement again??). What about FM work? I kind of like it, just walking around condos and shopping centres looking and predicting maintainence and errors. But as I look for employment opportunities in these field, all they required was a diploma. So, whats the point of me studying to HOns? Which makes me disagree more with the damn direct hons program. If there’s a choice, I will never bring myself to complete hons because the industry I work in requires more experience that it requires papers. This made me kind of think, WHY AM I DOING IN PFM? If I had interest in the construction industry, I would have just went to poly after O levels and graduate with diploma and stop there. Right?

And then I started thinking about the past, when my goal was to be a physiotherapist. How I shun away from going to poly after A levels, how I just let it ‘poof!’ and removed from my life when I dreamt to be a physiotherapist even in my sec sch days.

Sometimes, I really want to turn back time, back to when the sperm meets the ovum, I hope I wasn’t the champion, I hope I was never born. Someone who would not be remembered even after their death, whats the point of living then? Turn back to when I took my O-levels results, where I should not have moved on to JC. Turn back to when I took my A-levels results, no matter how shit it is, I should have went to NYP. But we can’t turn back time. I am born, I went to JC and I went to PFM and my future is BLEAK.

End of my update, I didn’t want it to be this depressing initially, but it turn out blue.