A family

I wonder how I will become when I graduate and enter the working society. I couldn’t see myself after graduation, where I will be working at? How will work be like? Will I care about others other than myself?

Many times I worry that I will no grow to be a filial child. I have a complete family yet I have no bond with my family members. Sometimes, I even wonder how well do they know me. I can foresee myself moving out to stay alone once I am financially independent to own a flat. I barely talk to my dad, maybe less than 10 sentences per week? and our conversation usually revolves around “do you want to eat BBQ tmr?” and “how do I spell this word”. Talking to my dad is like talking to some random guy from the street. He don’t care about me, I don’t care about him. Our relationship, is just I have his genes and I am living under one roof with him. I owe him heaps of money. That’s all. Sometimes, I actually harbour thoughts that I will not feed him when I grow old. Just like how he dosen’t care about his family, I will not care about him. I consider myself pretty close to my mum. I want to be filial to her. But every time I have a problem, I don’t know how to tell her, I don’t even feel comfortable approaching my mum with regards to anything.

A family should be a harbour. Somewhere you can go to when you feel down, you need help and stuff like that. But I couldn’t see anyone that I could approach and talk to about how I feel. There seems to be an invisible barrier between all my family members. I hate how my brother always shout at my mum and don’t understand how she really cares for him. I hate my dad for being so indifferent in my family matters like he is outsider and always goes running a marathon. I hate myself for not being able to be there and comfort my mum, share her burden and worries. I hate myself for not being able to show and express how much I care for the only member I really want to care for in the family. I hate myself for being dependent on the most vulnerable person in my family. I hate myself for not being able to give any form of support to my mum.

How… what am I suppose to do. My family is broken psychologically, I don’t want to grow to be an unfilial kid. I know how much my parents have been through to grow me. Yet, I don’t feel like returning such efforts back to them especially my dad.

Sometimes, I just wish that I could disappear…