Forever Alone

Well…. I don’t really know what to expect our of my love life. It seems as though I could only love but not be love.

I got to admit that I have been liking a guy since the day I step into uni and knew him. I don’t think I could differentiate my feeling between loving a guy and liking a guy not until I met him. I liked some guy in my secondary school once which I thought was love (as in 暗恋) but i suppose he is just an eye candy after all. He was forgotten and archived into memory the moment we graduated.

What surprises me was that I could continually like someone for 2 year and still on going. Like some typical channel 8 drama, I like him, but his eyes has only one woman. He loves her so much that he is able to forgive what wrong she has done. What hurts the most was when I liked him and he defended for the party who was in the wrong. Back then when he approached me about that issue, I almost wanted to cry because for some reason, it hurts a lot. To see the guy you love coming to reason with you about his girlfriend who did something wrong to you. I always thought he was just an eye candy until that incident happened. An eye candy will not hurt you this much, but the guy you love will.

Since then, I erected a barrier around him. I don’t want to quarrel with him in an event of him being blinded by love to even differentiate what’s right or wrong. I look from afar and secretly hope those two breaks up. Just an evil thought though. He is too forgiving to initiate a breakup and the girl is so lucky that sometimes I think she doesn’t even cherish him enough. As a drifted away from them, sometimes I still do wonder if he has a positive impression of me. Who knows?

Sometimes I really wonder how guys look at me. I wondered many times through my life why guys send girls back home but not me? Ain’t I a girl? Why guys care for girls as a form of gentlemeness but not me? Do they see me as their brother? I don’t form unique bonds with guys, so they won’t see me as their brother. So, if I am neither a brother or a girl to them, what on earth am I in their eyes?

I have no idea how long more I will like that guy but I know one thing. We will never be together. It will be total awkwardness. I am quiet. I need guy who knows how to fill in the awkward spaces. I want a guy who could bring me the warmth and happiness and desire so much for. I want a guy who has a unique sense of humour that I can understand. I want a guy who cares for me and others around him. I want a guy who knows what right and wrong and not sugar coat and sweet talk his way through. Basically, I want a guy like Onew. He is too perfect to be alive. Which ever guy that comes to me with at least half of what Onew has, I think I might accept him.

I don’t understand why can I love Onew (in a idolixing way) so much that it hurts sometime. Like I said before, he is too precious. So precious that I want him to be mine. He is the guy that the more I see, I more reasons I find in liking him. This is no longer an obession. It’s much more, it has become something I look for in guys.

That’s why I say… I don’t know what to expect out of a love relationship. Because I forsee myself to be FOREVER ALONE.

Its very uncharacteristic of me to write a post like this and so this will be the first and the last time.

A family

I wonder how I will become when I graduate and enter the working society. I couldn’t see myself after graduation, where I will be working at? How will work be like? Will I care about others other than myself?

Many times I worry that I will no grow to be a filial child. I have a complete family yet I have no bond with my family members. Sometimes, I even wonder how well do they know me. I can foresee myself moving out to stay alone once I am financially independent to own a flat. I barely talk to my dad, maybe less than 10 sentences per week? and our conversation usually revolves around “do you want to eat BBQ tmr?” and “how do I spell this word”. Talking to my dad is like talking to some random guy from the street. He don’t care about me, I don’t care about him. Our relationship, is just I have his genes and I am living under one roof with him. I owe him heaps of money. That’s all. Sometimes, I actually harbour thoughts that I will not feed him when I grow old. Just like how he dosen’t care about his family, I will not care about him. I consider myself pretty close to my mum. I want to be filial to her. But every time I have a problem, I don’t know how to tell her, I don’t even feel comfortable approaching my mum with regards to anything.

A family should be a harbour. Somewhere you can go to when you feel down, you need help and stuff like that. But I couldn’t see anyone that I could approach and talk to about how I feel. There seems to be an invisible barrier between all my family members. I hate how my brother always shout at my mum and don’t understand how she really cares for him. I hate my dad for being so indifferent in my family matters like he is outsider and always goes running a marathon. I hate myself for not being able to be there and comfort my mum, share her burden and worries. I hate myself for not being able to show and express how much I care for the only member I really want to care for in the family. I hate myself for being dependent on the most vulnerable person in my family. I hate myself for not being able to give any form of support to my mum.

How… what am I suppose to do. My family is broken psychologically, I don’t want to grow to be an unfilial kid. I know how much my parents have been through to grow me. Yet, I don’t feel like returning such efforts back to them especially my dad.

Sometimes, I just wish that I could disappear… 

Stargazing @ SEMAKAU. Maybe not.

Got kind of excited and disappointed with my trip and I shall blog it. Tired but I slept from 3 to 6pm and down-ed a cup of coffee. So I suppose I would be up till 3,4 am today? Mass research and catch-up to do. Have really been slacking like no one’s business since the semester started. I shall not be the 老鼠屎 and drag everyone down and I made myself a promise to start getting serious with school after by trip this weekend. :)

Back after a one night trip to Semakau Island :) It’s a beautiful island off the coast of Singapore. I thought a lot of people have went on the island before but apparently, everyone in our group hasn’t been there except me. What a waste! But at least now they have been! I didn’t very much took any photos cause it was getting dark and Singapore was kind of hazy. Then again I can kop some that I took a few years back when I went from my Facebook.

 

Nice quiet and serene island. Lovely! Some place really rare in Singapore. This trip to Semakau was in a way a wasted trip cause we are supposed to star gaze and end up seeking shelter in the admin building from the thunderstorm last night!

A nice try from YEC to promote GREEN (3Rs), we organized an overnight trip (less than 24hrs) to Pulau Semakau, a landfill where all your rubbish (burnt to ashes as well as those un-incinerable) goes to. We are YOUTHS and it would be so damn boring to just go for the island tour. So we decided to add in a little extra, STAR GAZING! I suggested it, thank me :P  Initially we wanted to add in inter-tidal walk too, but this month is the high-tide month, so no inter-tidal walks available. In collaboration with TASOS, we went for stargazing. The trip is not cheap at all but if we can see all the September sky constellation, I am actually willing to pay more. Our universe is a wonderful thing and TASOS is really devoted and knowledgeable in astronomy that its fascinating just to see pictures that they took and their detailed explanation about the universe. It would of course be better if they charge us a lower price. :P 

Back to the trip, a short briefing was given to us to show us what to look out for in the sky. So… these are what we are SUPPOSED to see in the September Sky.

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September sky is said to the the sky for the water signs. Namely the Aquarius and Capricorn. The top right of the Capricorn sign, you see the 3 dots there? The biggest one is one of the star clusters (M30)

The Aquarius sign has a star cluster too… but I don’t remember the number. SAD. Other than stars, we can also see planets. When the sun sets, facing south, we can see planet SATURN and MARS. At midnight, about 1am, the Eastern sky will find you Jupiter and Venus.

These are all we are suppose to be able to see if the weather is good. AWESOME right! I was so damn excited and then it turned out that it was a cloudy and rainy night. I managed to catch a glimpse of Jupiter and the moon craters in the morning about 7am just right beside the moon. And I was so emo when no one informed me that they set up the telescope at 4am in the morning and could see Sirius, Orion, Jupiter, Venus and even the international space station! and I was in the admin building NUA-ing trying to go back to sleep cause its so damn cold.

Anyways, its really a nice trip and it would be more awesome if there was no rain. I wouldn’t mind organising another one there again! This time I will pray to the deities in the sky not to rain. Hmm…. when’s the dry season in Singapore??

Now that I have starting blogging again, I find that I kinda like it :) AWESOMENESS!

Obsession with a bunny

I need to clarify in the beginning that I am not a saseang (crazy) fan of dubu bunny, but I do admit that I am obsessed with him. If you feel really uncomfortable, DON’T CONTINUE READING! and you have been warned, this might be a fairly long post.

Firstly, if you follow me on twitter, I tweet about ‘dubu bunny’ pretty often. But sometimes I choose a variety of name for him. Tweets along the line of ‘my sunshine’ ‘you’ ‘ontokki’ ‘my precious little thing’ and when I tweet as though I am in love or have some 花痴 times, that also him. I know I pulled some of my followers away from their studying concentration by mass tweeting about dubu bunny during the reading week which cause some to actually googled what on earth is dubu bunny, a bunny that is that cute? Dear friends, I am damn touched that you guys took my tweets so seriously and I don’t mean to mislead you guys to think that its a really bunny.

Anyways, this dubu bunny is definitely not a bunny (though he does look like a super cute one) but a hallyu (k-pop) star. He is the leader of a boy(male)band known as SHINee. If you don’t know SHINee, it’s fine, I don’t care. But if you wanna know who’s SHINee, google. It mighr help you understand my post a little more… maybe? So, a slight intro…

Stagename: Onew/温流

Name: Lee Jinki

Nickname: Dubu, bunny, ontokki

My personal weakness for him: Onew Condition, Naturally cute and his sunshinee smile.

That’s all you need to know about him and that’s all I will talk about anyways. If you wanna know more, go wiki/google.

 

 

 

 

 

The picture is not my favourite picture of his recent photos, but because I am using livewriter instead of blogger post, I find it more convenient to steal pictures from google than to upload the picture I kop-ed from fansites to a hosting web and here again. Anyways, this is his promo shot in his most recent album and I have to thank god that he was very well covered as compared to his other members saseang fans could make a porn video out of. Google ‘SHINee Sherlock’ to see others promo photos. But do be warned on some obscene pictures though.

Onew or rather SHINee give people the feel and image of FLOWER BOYS or what people say guys that looks like women. Yes, I agree that he does look like a girl with his fair skin, fine features and stuff like that, but he can’t pass off as a girl. I saw him cross-dressed and almost puked. I am happy for that too (at least his isn’t like one of his poor team member who looks really like one when he cross-dress).

When SHINee debuted, they went for the noona (sister/auntie) market and it was pretty successful. Wanna make a quick guess how old he is? 98liner, which makes him 23 this year. He don’t look 23 at all. #Foreveryoung. I am no noona of his, but still I fell for him. Like every other fan, you usually fall for the group before starting to have a bias. I started out liking the group SHINee cause i chance upon a show ‘HELLO BABY’ (can find in youtube) and had a bias toward him after mass spamming of youtube vid and thanks to the Sherlock Cycle promotion.

Onew is your typical korean guy look. I think there was no plastic surgery done on him (hopefully) and is your typical korean guy. Small single-eye lid and very respectful (according to what I saw on youtube though)

This guy has the brightest and most comforting smile I have ever seen. Even when he is just smiling for the sake of smiling and not really happy, I find it comforting. If you find a fake smile bright and comforting, what will a real smile do to you? His smiles make me endured my boring internship and some random emo days.

Onew has a special condition known as Onew Condition. I don’t have a real definition to this, but I do have a personal view on what I consider as Onew Condition. In my own terms, Onew Condition is a kind of random actions done at the most unexpected situations and the ability to be very…. human. His randomness reminds me of Huimin who used to say random stuff (she still do, but not that often, maybe cause I don’t see her often too) and sort of leave her friends at the loss of words. Maybe people like them think very quickly which make the others find it hard to catch what they are saying until the lag time (freeze period) is over. Onew has quick reflexes when it comes to thinking, which makes him survive very well on variety shows that makes even the EMCEEs of the show threatened.

He is a Hallyu Star, stars which gives the image of being wonderful and perfect (illusions that makes people want to become stars and move to fame to). Because Onew is not perfect which make him suffer from Onew Condition. He falls even when walking, and bang his head on the door when entering a room, dash right into the high jump pole cause he didn’t notice it and fall of the stairs when coming down. Things like this are not expected of stars, they don’t commit this kind of stupid jokes and so, it make onew very… human, if I use the analogy correctly.

Because of his condition, he is naturally cute. I don’t need him to act cute (ageyo) to find him cute. To be honest, I don’t like it when he act cute the SHINee way (like putting your two hands to you chin and shrug your shoulder, the buing buing thingy that they always do), it suits the other members but not onew. He is cute just standing there with his randomness and some times his condition. I don’t mean to laugh at him when he falls or stuff like that, but sometime he really falls in the most stupid way, banging head against the door is one and I can’t help but burst out laughing thinking why is this guy so cute?

He is precious. Even though I am no noona of his, I feel protective of him. A leader that looks like a maknae (youngest). He looks vulnerable and innocent but I know clearly that he is now where near the two words. He only appears to be which makes alot of fans for him. Sometimes I feel so protective that I would like to shelter him from the harsh reality of the world, let him live in his own fantasy and keep dreaming.

Why is he dubu bunny? Dubu means toufu in korea, cause he is soft, fair-skin and loves to cover the blanket over his head when sleeping (which somehow I picked up this bad habit again after kicking it) making him like a block of toufu. Bunny is bunny and in korea, people call him ontokki which is Onew+tokki(bunny).  He is a bunny cause of his two front teeth which is slightly protruding and sometimes he hops around and likes to do the ‘act’ sound (you know the sound that you make when you bite your upper and lower teeth together) which made me pick up this bad habit too. Apparently, someone you are obsessed with does affects you alot.

His voice. I am no musician but I got to say his voice is awesome! For ballads. Though far from JJ Lin in terms of his vocals, Onew still has a deep and rich voice, put in some emotions and you get a nice ballad. I especially like it when he sings the songs in English cause at least I know what he is singing. He voice is not my weakness for him for i can live without him singing but still commendable. His vocal range is wide, he sings rock song pretty well too but I got to say his opera sucks but considered good for taking only a few lessons before the performance. It’s all great and nice until he started screaming into the mic when he pull the tone up to the sky at the end.

He is damn talented. He is too random not to be talented. He has a flair for musicals,  variety shows and random talents like spinning a table, imitating donald duck and somehow he always does things well. But its a pity that he is not favoured by his company, miserable. The company does not give him enough chances to explore his talents and interest. I don’t know what is the company doing, he is a live money tree standing infront of you. Multi talented and can cross into any field you what him to. He is not that bad in sports even though he has onew condition, he is not bad in acting though there are great room for improvement, his musical has garnered GREAT reviews and I don’t believe that no other musical producers approached his company for onew to be in their musical, his forever turning mind will make him a great mc. Such multi-talented artiste and you guys still don’t want to exploit? Don’t ever wait till the day comes when the contract have to be renewed and you realised that you will lose him or one day when SHINee is no longer international.

Well, long enough. I know obsession is temporary, but I am still happy and lucky to have know such a guy. He might be totally different from what i portrayed of him from the articles that I have read and the vids I watched but I still want to believe that he is the one that I loved and the image that he gives me is what I am looking for in a boyfriend.

Humorous, caring (small details), filial, a kind of awesomeness classified under Onew Condition.

This is the kind of guy I am looking for, precious, making me want to cherish every moment with him. At this rate, I might end up not have any partner, cause in my eyes, he is perfect and no one is perfect in this world.

Updating….

Well… I know I said something like I will post soon after my previous post, but I kind of lost touch with blogging when I got friendly with twitter. *guilty*. Anyways, I am back! I expect myself to post more often though and I won’t expel the probability of making this blog a private one when I get too emotional for people to read my emo postings.

YEAH. I am pretty down these days. Maybe cause I lost my reason to be happy, to lead a happy life. I haven’t seen a true success in my life, I have never developed my leadership through these years even though I held supposedly “leadership” positions. That’s what saddens me the most, being in power yet powerless.

Being in nuSTUDIOS EXCO was a choice I made to be more committed and gain experiences in running events. Our recent welcome tea was a TOTAL FAILURE and I can’t help but blame myself for it. I was so unprepared for the welcome tea, everything was done last min and in total chaos. At that moment, I felt really useless and failed only to have recruited a few members, much less than last year. There were so many if onlys running through my mind then… and now, I felt looked down on even though I know none of my committee members are feeling this way. Somehow, its always the problem with me rather than with others. I am the one who is taking away my own happiness.

Being in JSYEC was a choice I made because I wanted to volunteer and contribute to the community and at the same time, benefit from such a big organization in terms of networking, experience with organising big events and collaborating with people from all walks of life. I admitted that I was sort of conned into YEC, but I stayed and felt the responsibility to commit to the welfare of the youths around us. However, being with YEC for almost 1.5 term and I am still floating around, not knowing anyone, not socialising and stuff. Stargazing came down to me and I gladly took it up and yet I failed in even liaising. And again, there were so many if onlys. I had ideas, but I never dared to propose. I had opinions, but I never dared to voice out. All I did was wait for people to approach me for collaborations and co-organizing and when too many came, I find it hard to say no even though I have no interest in the event itself. I can’t feel what YEC members think of me. But I think they don’t think very highly of me. I intended to leave after this term cause I lost the reason to stay. I can’t contribute to bring the committee forward, I can no longer find my passion in community service when I have so many of my own bubbles to burst, so what’s the point of staying when there are others who can do better than you?

YET, this man came today and ignite a little of my fire back again. Youth Mentor. An initiative by Desmond to reach out to youths. It sounds really helpful and I could see where he is going. Then again, I didn’t dare to approach him after he pitched his proposal, everyone wasn’t touched by him and to me, he is a scary man. I am afraid that if my fire on this initiative extinguish, I can’t climb out of his devil clutches just like how I fell into the reading interest group thing. There was passion initially when he proposed to huimin and I his view in kukup, then as time goes by, I find it hard to ignite the fire again. If you believe in horoscopes, I am a Sagittarius, which means, I never stay to one thing for a very long time and I never like to be deeply involved.

Yes. I am afraid of commitments.

School is mundane as usual and I am still sticking to my bubble self-centred view of ‘I don’t need friends, I only need _______’ for school, is I only need company. So, it’s still the touch an go, hi-bye scenario everyday. Nothing much to talk about. Just an internship that change my view about my course. I thought I chose the right way into PFM, apparently, I was too naive. I thought I had a clear goal when I graduate from PFM, I want to be a PM. I want to manage large scale projects like IRs, Sentosa and some prestigious building. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but starting as a site supervisor is very low paid for a hons holder. I hated QS work and after my internship, I managed to hate it even more (so why am I taking measurement again??). What about FM work? I kind of like it, just walking around condos and shopping centres looking and predicting maintainence and errors. But as I look for employment opportunities in these field, all they required was a diploma. So, whats the point of me studying to HOns? Which makes me disagree more with the damn direct hons program. If there’s a choice, I will never bring myself to complete hons because the industry I work in requires more experience that it requires papers. This made me kind of think, WHY AM I DOING IN PFM? If I had interest in the construction industry, I would have just went to poly after O levels and graduate with diploma and stop there. Right?

And then I started thinking about the past, when my goal was to be a physiotherapist. How I shun away from going to poly after A levels, how I just let it ‘poof!’ and removed from my life when I dreamt to be a physiotherapist even in my sec sch days.

Sometimes, I really want to turn back time, back to when the sperm meets the ovum, I hope I wasn’t the champion, I hope I was never born. Someone who would not be remembered even after their death, whats the point of living then? Turn back to when I took my O-levels results, where I should not have moved on to JC. Turn back to when I took my A-levels results, no matter how shit it is, I should have went to NYP. But we can’t turn back time. I am born, I went to JC and I went to PFM and my future is BLEAK.

End of my update, I didn’t want it to be this depressing initially, but it turn out blue.

Reviving

Realising how bored I got during my internship and reading a uper-duper cute blog that my new colleague introduced me to, I decided….

IT’S TIME TO PICK UP BLOGGING AGAIN!!

Of course, landing myself into the marketing and publicity cell of two ‘organizations’ (so to say) has something to do with it too :/ Well, with no talents in design, no creativity, I wonder why on earth did I vote myself into marketing and publicity. Anyways… *Shrugs*

However, after so long of writing within 160 characters, I sort of forgot how to blog. Give me a few days, I will come out with a post. For today, let me see…

INTRODUCING….

MIAO WAFU&PAFU!

www.akiraceo.com

I got to say I got addicted to this blog. Visit it if you got too bored in the office. HOHOHO. Now that blogger is no longer a in thing, I wonder if anyone is reading my blog. LOL. Don’t care.

Just a side note, I am a pessimist in nature so I tend to complain more than blog about happy things. If you get affected my negative energy easily, It wouldn’t be a good idea to read my post. But I will give warning if a verbal diarrhoea is coming its way :)

十年

 

I thought I wouldn’t be blogging anymore, but today I finish reading a book that really makes me feel like writing a post.

“Poetry of the day after”

I love to read occasionally :) And for Chinese books, my favourites are those written in traditional Chinese, read vertically instead of horizontally and of course romance :) After watching You are the apple of my Eye by Giddens, I seem to have a proper author that I can read from. Giddens is not a romance writer but an all rounded writer. Even though I have only read 3 of his books, I find 2 really nice. The first was 等一个人，咖啡. Sweet sweet love. Period. It made me feel like working in some cafe and wait for a my ‘prince charming’ to come.

The picture was the 3rd book I read from Giddens. I am not sure what genre is it actually.后青春期的诗. Mayday fans should know they have an album named after this book. Or was it the other way round? No idea. Anyways, like Mayday’s song, this book talks about life…

In the book, the author was 30 year old and remembered 12 years ago, he and a group of friends buried a bottle at the backyard of their school. Each member wrote 3 wishes and made a pact to return 10 years later. It was then forgotten by all until one day all came back together for a wedding of their friend. The group then went to dig out the bottle and read out their 3 wishes and see who fulfilled them. Out of the 5, only one realized his dream.  The other changed and some changed so much that there wasn’t even a tinge of their dreams 12 years ago to be seen. A basketball player who dreamt to be in NBA ended up being a blue collar worker. A man who dreamt to own a luxurious car ended up driving a toyota that almost died driving 5 adults. The group then agreed to help each other realised their dreams and find their 18 years old back and went on a journey back into the crazy days of their past.

I wonder what was my dream 10 years ago. When I was 10, what was I thinking back then? What were my ambitions? I don’t remember dreaming to become a teacher, doctor, lawyer or anything along that line. It was just an excuse when our teachers told us to write our ambition. The truth was, no. I had no ambition. I bet nothing of this sort went through my mind when I was only primary 4.

BUT NOW. I am 21. With half my body out in the horrible reality of society and another half struggling to get a cert that is so that important for a bowl of rice and life. I have of course matured as compared to10 years ago, I have dreams and goals as compared to 10 years ago. Burying a time capsule in Singapore for 10 years is not feasible at all and it will sure be gone after 10 years or maybe lying somewhere below a HDB block. So now, I would like to write a letter to myself 10 years later.

10 years later when I am 30, how much have I achieved. How close am I to my goals and dreams? Have I shrink my dreams to fit it into reality like one of the characters in the story? or have I forgotten what I wanted when I was 20 years old? Or will I realize what I wished for?

Friends, shall we do this together? Write a letter to your future self. And when that day comes, do a reality check. How much have you changed?

我们。。。 真的会被世界完美地驯养吗？