I remember last year I was doing a GP paper (forgot the school name) and there is this question.

"Why are we learning history when it keeps repeating itself?" At that time I thought that's a pretty cool and interesting question. Now... it's even more intersting for I am the one experiencing the scenario.

I am too fickle-minded a person that I hardly like to make any choices especially important choices... But life is all about choices... Like what my love always likes to say... The choice is yours... I remember barely 3 months ago... I was so insistent that I want to take up physiotherapy... I WAS so insistent... I don't give a damn what my friends and teachers said about a poly education after A's... And physiotherapy was actually the goal that keeps pushing me throughout the two years in my JC life... As you know... People work for a goal... And my goal... WAS a scholarship in Physiotherapy... That WAS my goal all along since I graduated from JVS... That WAS my goal... I want to be a allied health professional...

Noticed that I used WAS? Because... Now... It isn't... Maybe because I had too much time to settle and think about optimistic and pessimistic views of my all along goal... This goal started to lose it's stand last year, I noticed... While my friends are busy surfing uni websites for their courses... I was so determined and told them... I am taking physiotherapy in NYP... I have no intention at all to take up any uni courses for god's sake... Some gave me a why-do-you-want-to-go-poly face... while the more understanding ones would say... just go with your interest... This goal or dream stood rooted through my JC 1 and half way through JC2... It started to shake... Not literally of course...

About aug (I only noticed until then), suddenly... I felt the need to open up to alternatives... I cannot just put my head into a hole and not care about the outside... if you know I meant... and it strucked me that my parents did not know about me wanting to go poly... Usually they don't interfere with my life or the choice I make... but they clearly wanted me to get into a Uni... Then... I felt the need to open up... physiotherapy may be what you wanted... but not what you really want... people's preference and interest changes.... yours may also change... That's what I told myself... But back then... all that was in my mind was A levels A levels and A levels... maybe because I lost my goal in life... I had no mood or no motivation to study... Everything went into the immunity stage... Coming to think of the post-prelim period where I have totally no motivation to study... everyday seems to be a great torture... everyday I need to force myself to do TYS, tutorials read my notes... It wasn't like the past where I sometimes like to study... I like to do my tutorials... the post-prelim period... everything was forced... it wasn't voluntary... it might be because I lost my north-star... I lost my direction... my goal... People are driven by a goal... When they lost it... it's hard to be motivated...

After the As.... of course I have hell lots of time to sit and think, think and think and let my imagination run wild... Then... I noticed a fear in me... I like risk-taking people... but I am not a risk-taker... I am a typical 保守singaporean... It strucked me... What if I regret halfway through my course? Being in such a specific course... it's not easy to turn away as compared to if you have a general degree... Won't I be living in hell? Being too late to turn back and no point going forward.. what if I regret? I was surprised... I never thought I would regret taking up physiotherapy... I always thought that was what I really want in life... That's the job i want... That was how much passion I HAD... I don't know what factors caused it to change... caused it's standing in my heart to change... but it did... it really did... It became a choice... Not a dream...

I was lost and confused... I didn't get good results to start off with... So... There wasn't many uni courses that I am able to get into... I talked to my sec sch teacher... I talked to my cousin... I talked to my doctor (yes... to that extend) I tried to get the correct and more sounding advises... And Miss Chua and My cousin made the most sense out of everything... They together cleared the mist totally... Everything became clear... I decided not to take up physio... Not because I no longer have passion for it... but it's because I am afriad of regret... You cannot afford to regret... And being 18... looking beyond what's in front of you is what you should be doing... and being 18... you might someday change your goal in life again... you are barely 1/4 through life...

What do I really want? I want to look into the future... My future...