Self protection is often necessary, especially when you are all alone.

Psychological walls are easy to build but difficult to tear. 8 months of recuperation, the walls are up in just 2months. Why? I want to protect myself. Protect myself from the harm, the pain that others will give to me.

I never wanted a strong bond between people because I am afraid that you will leave one day... Away from me, to lead your own life. I want to protect myself from this pain.

I never wanted to risk because I am afraid of the consequences if all fails. I am protecting myself form harm.

I never wanted to talk first because I am afraid of your first impression on me. I am protecting myself.

I never wanted to express myself because I am afraid that you will hate who I really am. I am just protecting myself from harm.

Psychological walls are build for a reason. My reason. To protect myself. I need no effort to build walls, but I need tremendous amount of effort to tear down the walls... Why on earth am I letting the walls up again? Am I prepared for a war that I have to lock all gates?

I am just afraid where my threshold lies. I have a bad feeling that if things exceeds threshold, I LOSE EVERYTHING... EVERYTHING

我已经习惯了
改不了了
为什么你们要这样对我
你们知不知道我有多难受
明明是朋友
为什么我种觉得格格不入

不是我要把心墙拉起
是逼不得已

拜托你们不要再伤害我了

一个又一个 排队等缘分
前面丢后面捡
捡到的变恋人丢的变路人

走了一个忘了一个才懂眼泪对自己最残忍

Why should I feel down because of you.
I am not going to torture myself.
All because of you...

Give me time...
I will get it over with...
This sucks...

I want to learn to draw a line between like and love...
I thought I know...
But now...
I realise...
I DON'T...

SCREW IT.

我没有说谎 请别以为你有多难忘

Have you ever felt this sense of empty that will make you feel outcasted?? I am feeling this right now... but I can't pin point the reason...

I am not outcasted... but I suddenly feel tired to even say a single word or talk to you... I suddenly feel I couldn't take it anymore... I suddenly get an emotional wave that I myself don't understand...

I am down today... Luckily there Universal Studio today... which made me feel a little bit better as I get to see Cheryl and Hsier... :))) and this is the first time to universal studio, I think the rides are just so so... the mummy ride which many say is suppose to be the most exciting one... I think ok only leh....

Adding this one... I am down for two day in one week since I step into UNI... This shall not continue... I am not going to emo at one corner like what I did back then... I tried... But I think I am just not a social person... I suppose I don't leave a good impression for people :(

Why can't you share your problems with me?
Why can't you just talk more to me?
Why do you influence my thoughts?
Why do I care so much about you?
Can you please tell me the answer?

为什么我只有单恋和暗恋的分而没有恋爱的分？

I smiled and say goodbye to you and from the moment I turn, the smile faded into a string of curse....

I can't help but blog about how pissed I am an hour ago such that I am thinking about how to blog about my pissness in the bathroom...

Let me tell you what the **** happened just now.... I was suppose to go for IFG netball today, we are scheduled for match at 7 and 8. So I packed my happy went down to the netball courts. And in the end I came back to Eusoff without a single bead of sweat. Why? Cause I didn't play a single match. We played 8 quarters for god sake and I play none? I know my skills are lousy to the core... But shouldn't you guys at least let me play a quarter??? So much for me going to all their trainings... I only missed the last training which i suppose is the most crucial training yesterday and I felt as though I am a lost sheep neglected by the farmer... No one talked to me, no one care about me... their players are so damn tired after 8 quarters and they still insist on putting them in when Camillie and Me was sitting down there not playing any single game... If you have no intention to put us in, please inform us so that we wouldn't have to waste our time looking at your lousy skills! And what pissed me off the most is that I turned up for their trainings when no freshmen came.... I seriously don understand what's wrong with their negligence to me... just because I didn't turn up for training yesterday? FUCK OFF! At first all I wanted was the IFG tee.... then after a few trainings, I felt that yes I want to play for SDE... and this is what I got for being so enthu? THANKS ALOT! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!

Even now I still feel damn pissed off... Thinking if I shall turn up tml... Cause I really wanna play :(

And today... I found out how small the world is.... I saw someone that I didn't think I would see again... I thought after JVS netball, our paths would never cross again... then while we were playing Bizad... I was looking at the GS and look turn into stare and then OMG! SHE LOOK DAMN FAMILIAR!!! then next moment.... OMFG! she is adeline.... and her shooting is omg de good lahx... for the last quater, she shot 10 goals in 7mins.... damn good... seriously... Had a short talk with her :))

There is a dark angel in me saying... SERVE YOU RIGHT SDE, FOR NOT WINNING....

Ahem... Yesterday's informal dinner for EMP is damn nice.... Looks like I got a cool and fun team to work with :) I am damn excited about going to LAOS now... but pretty horrified that it's a three weeks trip.... afterall, i haven been to a third world country... and when I go... I am going for full 3 weeks!!! Anyway.. I am still excited... be it the planning... the pre event and event itself.... I am really looking forward to it.... and I think I am damn lucky to be in... cause there is like damn little freshmen... I wonder what makes me stand out from the other 60plus people and be the 22 ones going to Laos.... and the idea of spending my 19th Birthday in LAOS excites me even more!!!! =DDDDD OMG! I can't contain my excitement!!!!!

I decided to withdraw from Eusoff Sports Management Commitee... Cause I have been saying I need to get my piorities right.... I think school, work and EMP is enough for me to juggle at this point of time... I no need another Eusoff SCM to bomb me down.... I hope I made the right choice... I hope with all my might I wouldn't regret from withdrawing from SCM...

It has been one month since school started for me... But it felt as though school started for years... Let me see what I have now in hand to do... Hmm.... Two projects, one term paper, 2 assignments. Yupx.... and two mid term test coming up...

Current status?
Haven't start a single shit of revision. I seriously don't believe that I am that busy that I don't have time to sit down and study.... I strongly believe that it's because of time management. My time management is damn bad... So what am I doing about it? Nothing. Maybe it's cause I am too tired such that the moment I hit the bed, I slept through to morning. People with insomia could try staying in hall. You wouldn't have problems sleeping, I guarantee. Well... and I need alot of sleep... Nights at Eusoff is so happening that you seriously cannot study at night. So it's only left with the days. I have long breaks between lesson which is like nice hour to mug... but... I don't know what the hell I am doing...

Wed is suppose to be my free day... and ya... I did study... But some how or another, someone or something will happen in eusoff and I cannot study anymore... Hiaz...

I must learn to get my piorities right.

PF1102 is fun... but why do I get such a rigid as a wall tutor? Hmm...
ST1131 is already boring enough... Why do I get a even boring and robot teacher? I actually shaded many disagrees in her evaluation sheet :X
PC1326 is boring and crazy.. but why do I get a good tutor?
GEK1527 has a good lecturer... But why do I always fall asleep in his lecture??
PF1101 is ____ can't use a word to decribe...

Complains, complains and more complains... When would I learn to look into the root of the problem and stop complaining?

Off to Dinner... I am in Project EMP to Laos... Happy about getting in... Sad that I don't know a single soul there :( Anyway... make friends... Introvert is not an excuse...