While waiting for my friend to finish her clip on our GPP, i decided to make a post here... Just came back fro Owens Camp and I felt like I wasted two days of my life... I was down for CDC duty from like yesterday 5.30 to today 3pm lahx... and I am like the only person there if not for Wendy who volunteered to come and help... Then yesterday reported like 10mins late... hehe.... then there is a J2 senior there... then we settled down and I just read the Calvin and hobbes super funny and lame lahx! then after that I decided to do hw... but gt restless so throughout the whole night, I just did like 2 maths question? then the owens got night games and we are to go standby lah... so i went down and i felt like an idiot standing there lolx... then in the end i started playing games from my hp... and that stupid hp yesterday aftnoon blackout and I got so fedup that i smash it on the table and suddenly it on lerx... kkz... then after that at night did bio... wrote crap lahx... then at like 1 plus in the morning i tried to sleep, then the LN was like ssssssooooo darn noisy that i can't really sleep... then today morning woke up at 6 plus and then rot again... but today Wendy suddenly become sort sort and there fa hua chi lahx... don talk about it lahz but it's really donno what to say... and she is joining the hse com... Sheryl, Wenjun, huimin... good luck... should I join house com? Anyway, I just spend the two days rotting in the LN and wasting my life away...

This week is quite hetic for me thanks to the test lahx... wed got GP content test... and the moment we flip open the paper, our whole class was like WHAO~ gg liaoz... I was like flipping and flipping there gg liaoz... and the GP teacher still say the content quiz can pull us up... diaoz.... the thurs got Bio SPA... I totally screw it... not to talk about it to... then got chem bonding test which i donno what the crap thingy i wrote infront.... behind think i got correct... the yesterday got Chem SPA... it was quite okie... but i think my reading is sort of inaccurate then got econs presentation where our group almost got into a fight with the class and the Q &A is like no A.. cause the questions they ask we don have answers... why? cause we are not prepare... and our presentation is impromtu one lahx... hiaz... econs gg also... hehe... next week got econs test and i am still struggling with price elascity and maths... god... my MI conjecture suckx to the core and my graphing technique... eh... have totally no idea what it is about.... gosh~

Have been reading other ppl's blog recently and i am regretting more on choosing JC over poly... everyone look so happy in poly and blogging about happy things and me? complaining in every post.. is not that i don like the sch but i just couldn't go on pace with the sch... i barely past me test, i spend my whole night mugging on upcoming test and weekends rushing pprojects... this is life...

Sometimes I wonder why some can be more happy than the others...
sometimes i wonder how they take out so much time to do so many things...
sometimes I wonder what's my purpose for life...
sometimes I wonder...

I wonder alot of things... Wonder why can I look on the bright side of life?
Wonder why my life is so chaotix? wonder wonder wonder...

I sound so emo... and i am really emo... really tired and really stressed (can anyone define?)

5th March 2009, Beiyi wrote this:
If having sucidal thoughts means depression... I am having a serious depression now... Sucidal tendencies were so high last few weeks that I feel like jumping off the building even when I am in the kitchen...

Things that contribute to this behavior, there's alot... Friends, studies, life...
Everything started off when the school annouced the 2009 JJ scholars... I found that I wasn't inside but my friends were... Then, they had their first project... SM2... They were so involved that at times, I seems invisible to them... they talked about it every single moment and I felt really out of the picture... That's when the first sucidal thought came in... I felt inferior to my friends... I felt... Lost... Alone... Rejected...

Next, my long friendship with Huimin just dissolved into thin air for no reason... Suddenly, we have no common topic... suddenly, she look at me as though she hates me... Now, I am just like an invisible person in her eyes... i suppose... She no longer think about my feelings, my thoughts and don even care about me... It's very depressing to know that your 8 years of friendship is just gone like that... I couldn't find a reason to this... If it was because of a mahjiong session that I said that I hate her when she play and she got pissed off, I am sad for our weak friendship.... But I cannot blame her too... we are people of very different characteristic... I have no idea how we could become friends in the first place...

Then... came life... things went the wrong way... I felt that... no matter how hard I try... I won't get what I want... I studied like some shit for bio and all I get is barely just a pass... It's like the efforts wasted... No point of studying then...

Then I went to ask myself...
If I were gone... would anyone notice...
If I am dead.... how many will shed their tears for me...
What is my position in the world?
What's my place in my friends heart?

If Veron, Seiyu or Huimin... anyone who came pass this post... I just wanna say... I treasure this friendship... You know I usually don start a conversation... and I really hope you guys can lend me a shoulder and give me a shelter... That's all I have for you guys...

May our friendship stay bonded forever... no matter where we are...